Today we will discuss toilets. Or, more specifically, as my new plumber calls them, “sanitary drains,” defined in this case as the pipe some Einstein left uncapped in my basement that has been spewing noxious bursts of water since we moved in to our new house.

Today we will discuss roofs: as I discovered in the last big rainstorm, ours leaks.

Today we will discuss masonry: our bricks need to be repointed (whatever that means), and the source of the brick chips that have been turning up on the front porch needs to be determined before the house disintegrates.

Today we will discuss hardwood floors: the one in my office is shedding bits of varnish, which stick to my feet and get dragged around the house.

Today we will discuss electricity: the outdoor lights have stopped working despite a bulb change, and lighting fixtures need to be updated from the horrid years of the Reagan era.

Today we will discuss paint: in four words, WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?

Today we will discuss walls: our bedroom is missing a rather crucial one.

Welcome to our home. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.