I am developing a crush on someone who is not my boyfriend, but only because he reminds me of my boyfriend. He is prissier than my boyfriend (as my boyfriend felt compelled to point out). I do not find prissiness attractive, but I did not write the Book of Love.

Also, he is not a real person.

Sometimes, I just don’t know what to do. Like, what do you do if someone who is important to you wants to betray everything you believe in just because she thinks that someone else looks like a squeezed-lemon face? I think Sigourney Weaver looks like a shovel face but I still go to see her movies. Except for that one.

Faces don’t matter.

There is a headline on the Internet that reads: Angry Man Puts 17 Pigs in His Yard. I am angry a lot, but I didn’t know that was an option.

The world should come with an instruction book.