This is my second post for the day. Scroll down to find out how to win $100,000.

I read today how an entire family upped and joined the Navy, as if someone had been playing Village People records in the background of their down-home suppers. Why they chose the Navy over the carefree lifestyle of the YMCA is a cosmic mystery, upon which the only light shed is the fact that they are from Alabama. Not that I can talk. My own family has recently revealed themselves to be a pack of terrifying hillbillies planning a weekend-long fiesta of beer and hunting in honor of one of my brothers’ upcoming marriage. It may not surprise you that these are the same people who largely ignored my own wedding a couple of weeks ago, but at least I know why: my tastefully engraved announcements lacked references to booze, ammo, illegal fireworks, and four-by-four vehicles.*

Yesterday on “Judge Judy,” a woman sued her sister for stealing thirty-one hundred dollars out of a bank account that was in both of their names. The defendant was a spiteful harpy who had the gall to announce in a chillingly Southern accent that she didn’t care of Judge Judy believed her story or not. The audience gasped as one, in what I believe was genuine horror at her brazen tone. Nobody, and I mean nobody talks to Judge Judy that way; for the rest of the trial, Judge Judy treated the defendant as if she were both moronic and certifiably insane. Goblin in particular watched with interest as this drama unfolded. She has not seen her own sister for almost four years, and I cannot imagine the situation in which they might end up on opposing sides of Judge Judy’s courtroom, “She took my Hippoo!” not being an actionable charge.

The Village People were sort of silly, if you ask me. If nothing else, I don’t believe that one was really an Indian chief.

* I am being unfair . . . the brother who is getting married drove up to attend my ceremony and take photographs, and another called me on my mobile phone to say congratulations. My mother also sent some lovely flowers, but she is also not attending this boozy shotgun festival in the hills, so her refinement was never in question.