12.20.2004
Age and Beauty
Comeuppance was the name of the game at my surprise birthday party. First the world’s most valuable Bic pen was overnighted from Great Britain just for the occasion: revenge for my Montblanc demandingness. Then I opened a large bag full of delicious and extraordinarily fattening chocolate-chip cookies: revenge for my insistence that people bake chocolate-chip cookies to my exact specifications. Then I got a book that strongly implied that I am some sort of super villain: revenge for the fact that I am some sort of super villain.
And now you all have the nerve—the unmitigated gall—to challenge my very age!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Oh, this is too much. Too much.
Luckily, I am a saint among men and can overlook such a vile affront as if it never happened, as if it were a dust mote swirling in the air for all the difference it makes in the grand scheme of my life. La la la.
Luckily, too, Ricky Martin and I know where you all live and what cars you drive. And we are not amused.*
* Well, we’re sort of amused, but that's just from a joke Matt Damon told as he passed by on his way from the sauna. Watch your backs, America’s Age Doubters!
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