I personally think television is god’s gift to a police state, but this doesn’t stop me from obsessively watching it. I’m not strong enough to resist. Like heroin, it dulls the pain. Also like heroin, its effects can continue until long after usage. If you build up tolerance to watching television, there are any number of web sites where you can go to read about it. Rob is addicted to Television Without Pity, a site where smart people go to deconstruct stupid programs.
Hardcore TV junkies, those for whom escapism implies a more extended vacation from reality, may indulge in reading or writing television fan fiction. Just like it sounds, fan fiction means writing unauthorized—and usually amateurish—stories set in the “universe” of their favorite television show, movie, or book. I recently discovered a web site called FanFiction.Net, which collects thousands of such stories all in one convenient place.
Here, you will find one hundred ninety-nine stories about “Battlestar Galactica,” twenty-eight about “I Love Lucy,” eleven about “Growing Pains,” and a whopping one thousand fourteen about “The Scarecrow and Mrs. King.” “Buffy: The Vampire Slayer” is the hands-down winner with twenty-five thousand five stories. Fans of “Buffy: The Vampire Slayer” clearly have a lot of time on their hands.
Following are several excerpts, for your reading pleasure, posted here without permission and completely at random.
Laverne and Shirley. From “Cinderfella,” a story by Shotzette. A great number the stories in the “Laverne and Shirley” category are by Shotzette, and most of these seem to explore the idea of a relationship between Laverne and Lenny. (This site is not dedicated to slash fiction, but a large number of the stories do investigate romantic pairings.)
Lenny stood there, looking unexpectedly dapper in his white tie and tails, with a strangely shy smile on his face.
"Uh, Laverne," he started with a nervous catch in his voice. "I know tonight ain't exactly been a dream come true for you-"
She cut him off immediately. "Len, the stuff that went wrong tonight wasn't your fault. I'm the one who tripped and sent myself head over tea kettle down the ramp. If anything, I should apologize to you for embarrassing you in front of the other royalty."
He looked at her in disbelief. "I wasn't embarrassed, Laverne! I was elbowing all of the other Counts and pointing out that my date was dancing with the Duke!" He looked away as if in thought for a moment. "I don't think those guys spoke any English, cuz they didn't say much. Except this one guy named Earl who told me to pipe down..."
"Len," Laverne interrupted, "I'm glad you invited me tonight. Besides, if I wasn't here, I'd be home watching "Sea Hunt" with Shirl."
Shirley!
Laverne looked around the ornate room in search of her best friend.
"Lenny, where'd Shirley go?"
The Ghost and Mrs. Muir. From “Trick or Treat or Both,” a story by RevSue.
"Mom, are you really going to the Masquerade Ball with CLAYMORE?" Candy sounded shocked.
"Well, he asked me, and I hated to refuse him." Carolyn shrugged. "It might be fun."
"With CLAYMORE?" now it was Jonathan's turn to pipe up.
"Yes, with Claymore." Carolyn tried to defend her actions. "He's ... he's ..."
"Claymore." Candy said, flatly.
"Not at all like the Captain." Jonathan added.
Carolyn said nothing. Her children had said it all.
"What're you going to wear?" Candy asked after a moment.
"Grandma sent me a costume ... she told me I couldn't open it until Halloween. I don't know what it is."
"And you haven't opened it yet? Mom, Halloween is only a couple of days away!!" Candy was astonished.
"Well, Grandma thought I would be attending the Ball with the Captain, of course. So I'm sure it's something nice. Probably a pioneer costume, or court lady from the past, maybe a princess or an angel costume?"
Jonathan giggled. "The Captain would think it was funny to see you dressed like an angel!"
Carolyn laughed. "True. But Grandma doesn't know about the real Captain."
"Imagine thinking Claymore good enough to marry YOU!" Candy hugged her mother.
I Love Lucy. From “I Terminate Lucy,” a story by Luv2B. (Did I mention the crossovers?!?!?!)
“Now you listen here, Mister,” Lucy said wagging a finger, “ I’m not one of those show girls that you just boss around y’ know. If I go through all that trouble to get you these things, you can at least say thank you. I went all over town just to get them for you.”
He sat still for a moment, as if he was searching for the right words to say. “I’m sorry, Dear,” he stated finally, and opened the box to rummage through it.
“That’s alright, Honey,” Lucy said. She started to massage his shoulders, “I know you’ve been looking for that girl…
“Sarah Connor.”
“Yeah, but it beats me why she’d run out like that and miss out on a golden opportunity to be in your show,” Lucy said dreamily, “I know I’d do it in a second. Gee, you’re muscles are tight.” She kept massaging, putting a bit more into it. “Can I be in your show? I know I’d be good. I promise never to ask you again if you’ll only give me the chance.”
“Must find Sarah Connor.” He got up and walked toward the bedroom, taking the kit with him.
I need a glass of wine.
