When I was a kid, I used to watch a television show called “That’s Incredible!”, which featured hosts John Davidson, Fran Tarkenton,* and Cathy Lee Crosby. One could get on this show by performing death-defying feats, having an unusual or scary talent, having a disgusting-yet-miraculous medical operation performed upon him, or catching on fire for no apparent reason. (Tiger Woods got his first major publicity from this show, a Chinese man with two faces had one of them surgically removed, and the rumor is that at least five people died in ridiculous stunts as they auditioned for a slot.)
I used to be terrified of spontaneous human combustion and poltergeists, statistically improbable fates that nevertheless seemed imminent thanks to the crack reportage of “That’s Incredible!” Well into high school, whenever I had a high fever, I became convinced I was going to burst into flames at any moment. Come to think of it, I never became any less convinced of this, I merely ceased to care as much. Poltergeists were a bugaboo I lived in constant fear of and secretly craved. Angst-ridden teenagers were typical targets of these noisy spirits, and I spent seven years expecting to wake up on the ceiling with candelabra whirling around the room.**
Which brings us to Zenchick’s fortieth birthday party, which I attended this past weekend. I had been designing a web site all day and was still in “creative head” (i.e. completely unsociable, a mindset not one iota diminished by my ride over with jwer). I ended up sitting in one place the entire evening and demanding that cake be brought to me at once. It’s interesting how frequent demands for cake will eventually lead one to come sailing at one’s head . . . and with nary a poltergeist in sight.
Now THAT’S incredible!
* Who did Fran Tarkenton think he was fooling? Football player or no, “Fran” wasn’t any manlier than “Francis.”
** Although I am now in my early twenties, I am more tormented than ever. The Bush Administration alone has generated enough angst to propel me into orbit around Jupiter; that this hasn’t yet happened I attribute to my lack of candelabra.
