04.03.2005
What I Like About You
Before we went on our trip, Rob became obsessed with a travel web site upon which people compare itineraries and experiences, and ask for and make recommendations regarding certain destinations. His infatuation was not only with the “inside information” it provided, but also with the hotbed of derisive politics the discussion boards had become: a judgmental Inner Circle of commentators wield (and jealously guard) their power over the sycophantic would-be travelers who grovel for “expert” advice.
Apparently, what incenses the Inner Circle like nothing else is when an American tourist negatively compares the amenities of a foreign country with those he or she enjoys at home. One day, I suggested that Rob post our praise for one bed and breakfast we stayed at, saying that it offered a warm welcome and terrible plumbing, and I could see his face blanch with terror. “You can’t say that!” he hissed, as if I had just insulted an ethnic group, and his eyes darted left and right, as if he expected the Lords of the Travel Web Site to hop out of a cupboard and arrest us.
But you know what, I ain’t scared of them. I’ll say it out loud and proud:
Your plumbing sucks, England and Scotland. The water pressure, the funky low-flow toilets, the shower stalls the width of chimneys . . . all of it. There’s also widespread confusion about which side of the sidewalk to use, and god himself couldn’t decipher the esoteric scheduling and fares of your railroad system. Come to think of it, your weather isn’t exactly a joy, as my pneumonia will attest . . . and what’s with all the smoking?
There, I said it. Take that, England and Scotland! Take that, Lords of the Travel Web Site!
On the other hand, I love everything else about you, England and Scotland. I love that your roads aren’t dominated by SUVs. I love that your stores close early and that your culture isn’t ruled by consumerism. I love your funny words for commonplace things. I love that even though Tony Blair is a big wanker, you don’t have any patience for American-style “values” politics. I love that your people are both polite and forthright, and that they both embrace quirky traditions and appear open to logical progress. Your architecture is breathtaking, your history is thrilling, your poltergeists are terrifying, and your environment—both tame and wild—is gorgeous.
You have a sensible society of the sort that can only evolve by exporting all of your criminals, lunatics, and religious maniacs to form countries of their own . . . and if I weren’t currently an oppressed minority in one of those countries, I would be a lot happier with you today.
In closing, I will be back, England and Scotland. One day. So would you be a love and see what you can do about that plumbing? Jolly good.
People scoff, but plumbing, it rules. One might not appreciate good plumbing until one has had to live with babd or non-existant plumbing, but holy shit do good hot showers ever kick ass! I mean, yes, let's not dismiss entire cultures because they do not have such fantastic toilets and all as we do, but come on, reverse snobs. Come on.
posted by:
Cara on 04.03.2005 at 4:34 PM
Which is why I'm well glad my mother is an interior designer; she added a pump to our water system up in the attic and we have enjoyed high pressure body jets and energetic mixer taps ever since.
That said, here in Cambridge (and we have especially lovely architecture too; it's a shame you guys didn't come here to visit Sherry in situ) our water pressure is a bit too high; pain in the arse to adjust the temperature on the shower; water at 2 billion psi and a squillion degrees centigrade.
posted by:
Stairs on 04.03.2005 at 6:45 PM
You're ruining my credibility Stairs... I was just about to complain about terrible water pressure here. I think the problem is that all hot water tanks are put on the top floor of whatever building they're in, so if you're not on the ground floor your water pressure is guaranteed to suck.
I know that in the future when I'm buying/renting a house, the shower pressure and sensitivity of the temperature control is going to be a major factor!
I suppose it's one of the benefits of living privately, but I am surprised, as Queens' College isn't half bad on that front. No intention to turn this into a personal conversation, Mr. Host, sir!
posted by:
Stairs on 04.04.2005 at 3:18 AM
I'm surprised David didn't mention it this time, since he certainly has before, but one of the silliest things about British plumbing is all the separate Hot/Cold taps. Come on, folks, it's the 21st century!
posted by:
jwer on 04.04.2005 at 8:20 AM
Don't get me started on British trains. I've had a fair few rants on that subject. I went down to London this weekend, £90 return it cost me. That's as expensive as flying down, and the only reason I don't fly down is because if you land anywhere but London City, the train from the airport into the city is anothe £15 on top!
Anyway, rant over. With regard to your post on my blog, your link has now been added! And with regard to your question on the previous post, I will be coming to Baltimore to speak at a conference. While I am there I am very much looking forward to visiting your dime museum and viewing Abraham Lincoln's final turd.
posted by:
Alan on 04.04.2005 at 2:59 PM
You forgot the amazing, delicious chocolate, which makes up for the generally terrible food.
{:-)
posted by:
Wayne on 04.05.2005 at 4:58 PM
Cara: We can't dismiss entire cultures because they don't have toilets as good as ours? Then why CAN we dismiss them?
Stairs: A squillion must be one of those British measurements like a stone or a centimeter or a tonne.
Scheherazade: If toilets are your thing, do yourself a favor and move to the United States. I'll trade nationalities with you.
Stairs again: You may have a personal conversation if you trade nationalities with me.
Jwer: The 21st century? Since the Republicans are "Building a Bridge to the 17th Century," I must have gotten caught up on that. Anyway, I only ever used the cold water because I was both afraid to burn myself and afraid to put my hands in someone else's sink.
Alan: I wonder if that's as exciting as Abraham Lincoln's first turd. Also, maybe you should nationalize your railroad. Just a suggestion.
Faustus: I don't think I had any chocolate, but the shortbread was quite nice.
Wayne: :-O
posted by:
David on 04.06.2005 at 12:57 AM
Yeah? Well, you yanks are all just stupidheads. Yeah!
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