05.12.2005
The "G" Word
Last night, I watched The Breakfast Club for the first time, twenty years too late. The film—featuring the enormous nostrils of Judd Nelson, the buck teeth and darting eyes of Molly Ringwald, and the psychotic hoots and clicks of Ally Sheedy—is among the worst I have ever seen; to say that it doesn’t stand the test of time implies that it had something meaningful to say in the first place about a pack of self-pitying teenagers from different cliques who Overcome Their Differences. Good grief. The only reason it captured the imagination of a generation is because its vapid characters are so prone to projection. Granted, the version I watched, one of “TiVo’s Picks,” was taped automatically off of the Women’s Entertainment network and censored for offensive language so thoroughly that entire scenes featured more dubbing than a kung-fu movie, but I could tell what they were saying anyway. Their mouths may have said damn, but their lips said fuck.
Earlier in the day, I was waiting to cross a street when a man with regrettable fashion sense approached. “Dude, did you get one of these?” he said, proffering a stack of bible tracts entitled The “G” Word, complete with cartoon Jesus on the cover.
“That’s the last thing I need,” I snapped, jumping into traffic to avoid him. The “G” word is really “Getthehellawayfrommemothafuckaaaaa.”
Later, I was walking my dog past some art students, and one of them, a girl wearing a peasant’s kerchief, said to Goblin, “Hi there, little butt face.” Goblin and I were so stunned that we froze in our tracks, our mouths hanging open in affronted horror, but the students just laughed and walked on. Why do people have to be so mean? My dog’s face does not remotely resemble a butt. I think it was The “G” Word coming back to haunt me: “Goblindoesn’thaveabuttfacebiyatch!”
posted by
David at 9:44 AM
Maybe the girl was talking to Goblin's daddy?
Also, I can think of thousands of worse movies than The Breakfast Club. Thousands.
posted by:
jwer on 05.12.2005 at 10:48 AM
Well it looks like god was after your ass in the first instance and satan was after it in the second. Buttface? You should have snatched the dew rag off that bitches head and stuffed it in her mouth.
k
posted by:
knottyboy on 05.12.2005 at 10:51 AM
OMG. "Little butt face"?!?!??!?! TO HER FACE?!?! She's lucky Goblin didn't eat her face off.
posted by:
Mush on 05.12.2005 at 11:03 AM
I'm sure, had you had the presence of mind, that trollop would be a scorched piece of earth right now!!!!
Why didn't Goblin do her "Wonder Woman" twirl and beat the crap out of that beeyotch?!!!!!
posted by:
Hanuman on 05.12.2005 at 12:13 PM
I reserve the right to call Goblin Buttface (which I wouldn't - Cat Poop Face is the name she goes by in our household) but that's ONLY because I have picked up after her butt. Next time, hand the art school girl of doom a plastic bag and tell her to earn Goblin's love and respect.
posted by: Amy on 05.12.2005 at 12:51 PM
To the art student, you should totally have said something like, "Well at least she has a face!"
Yeah. That would have shut her up. Possibly.
The perfect rejoinder, of course, would be: "Thanks, Big Butt Face!"
posted by:
Jeffrey on 05.12.2005 at 7:16 PM
I always assumed the reason I didn't "get" the Breakfast Club was because it was a particularly American thing. But maybe I was right all along and it really was just crap.
The comeback I'd have gone with would be "she's a dog, what's your excuse?"
posted by:
Alan on 05.12.2005 at 7:53 PM
Art students are peasants.
posted by:
Cara on 05.12.2005 at 9:00 PM
I'm sorry love, but I'm afraid you are cinematically challenged.
AND you won't make plans with me {sinff, sniff}
posted by: zenchick on 05.13.2005 at 1:04 AM
What a terrible thing to say. Maybe you should get Goblin a bodyguard.
posted by:
Sherry on 05.13.2005 at 9:47 AM
That's funny; we always call Maggie, among other things, the butt-faced dog. Of course, no one ELSE is allowed to call her that.
Breakfast Club is actually much more tolerable than Pretty in Pink, which is somewhat more tolerable than Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Am I the only fuddy duddy who sympathized with Jennifer Grey and wanted Ferris to get caught?
posted by:
Jen on 05.13.2005 at 10:44 AM
I remember watching The Breakfast Club in high school and thinking that finally an adult understood how hard life was for us. Yeah, he got it.
Recently I watched it again and wished the poor, put-upon teacher who was losing his Saturday to babysit the ingrates would have just started beating the hell out of the whiny, self-righteous pricks. Their lives were hard? Wait until they're 20 years older, their dreams have been crushed and they're working in middle management where they'll stay until they die.
I don't think I'll bother watching anything in the John Hughes oeuvre again.
posted by:
Crash on 05.13.2005 at 11:18 AM
Oh, and I bet the art student actually said "Hi there, little but fierce." You probably couldn't understand her because kids today just kind of mumble when they talk.
Damn kids and their rock and roll music. Bah, humbug.
posted by:
Crash on 05.13.2005 at 11:21 AM
My dog is a chihuahua mix, and when we go for walks more times than not strangers come up to us and say, "What kind of dog is THAT?!". Then when I say chihuahua mix, their response is usually along the line of, "Wow, he likes to eat, doesn't he?". I always feel like I should cover his ears during these exchanges. Or maybe I need to teach him to pee on them on command.
I love The Breakfast Club.
posted by: Stephanie on 05.13.2005 at 11:42 AM
Why bother giving an animal a nickname pointing out something they can't change? That's why I prefer "Little Fatty" or "Porker". Even the stupidest dog can learn to develop an eating disorder.
posted by:
Brian on 05.13.2005 at 12:26 PM
Not love the Breakfast Club? I. I. I feel like I don't even know you!
Please tell me you don't have similar feelings for Pretty in Pink.
Oh, MHG...you are *superfantastic*.
posted by:
zenchick on 05.13.2005 at 3:16 PM
Jwer: Sure there are, but I expected better considering the fact that, twenty years later, people are still posting daily comments about this movie at the IMDB. Talk about not living up to the hype!
Knottyboy: Everyone is after my ass. OK, not really.
Mush: I KNOW!!!!!!!! But by the time she snapped out of her shock, the art students were gone.
Hanuman: I have left many patches of scorched earth in my wake, it is true, but even worse are the patches of scorched earth that should have been.
Amy: That is the most reasonable thing I ever heard.
Christopher: It would have shut ME up.
Jeffrey: Why does the right thing to say always come up in hindsight?
Alan: It IS crap, sentimentalized by Generation X Americans for twenty years. It will reach biblical proportions in another two thousand.
Cara: Let them eat cake! Mmmm, cake!
Zenchick: If I am cinematically challenged, why would you want to make plans with me?
Sherry: It's worse to call me cinematically challenged. Maybe I need a bodyguard.
Jen: Maybe the art students mistook Goblin for Maggie. In any case, I've never seen Pretty in Pink, but I rather liked Ferris Bueller's Day Off. I wanted Jennifer Grey to get caught.
Crash: I hear John Hughes is making "The Zombie Club" now, which is about how difficult not being alive is for zombies. I think the mumble-mouthed art students are imitating Ally Sheedy.
Stephanie: How nonsensical. I'm pretty sure all dogs like to eat, not only chihuahua mixes.
Brian: Goblin knows she doesn't have a butt face, but she could stand to lose a pound or two.
Messy Hair Girl: I feel like you don't even know how to punctuate. Luckily, I have never seen Pretty in Pink.
Zenchick again: You are *superfreak* :)
posted by:
David on 05.16.2005 at 12:06 AM
silly...the plans weren't to see a movie!(despite your inference that they might be)...and of course, I would want to make plans with you, because you are a lovely human being...
...oh, and I can talk flicks with your husband!
(and, yes...a superfreak...oh, how you see right through me....)
posted by:
zenchick on 05.16.2005 at 5:55 PM
What I always notice about the Breakfast Club is that the bad boy has one of those skater chain things but the bandanna around his ankle is his tie to the Eighties.
posted by:
Maktaaq on 05.21.2005 at 12:04 PM
Great blog! Thanks!
posted by:
Dave on 05.22.2005 at 4:04 PM
Doctor Who takes three prizes at the National Television Awards in a repeat of its success last year...
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