05.15.2005
Domestic Tragedies
This weekend, the art school held its commencement; the graduating students, resplendent in their finest peasant’s kerchiefs, marched down the aisle, tum tum tum, twirling their paintbrushes and charcoal pencils and whistling a triumphant tune. Rob and Goblin and I missed all of this, caught up as we were in certain horrors closer to home. I got the ball rolling by washing the white laundry along with the black pen that Rob left in his shirt pocket. How was I to know? Pens usually vanish into an interdimensional vortex the instant they cross the threshold of this house, leaving me to write down telephone messages in blood or the juice of maraschino cherries. Imagine my surprise to discover a Rorschach test emblazoned across towels, blankets, underpants, and my favorite tee shirts as I transferred them to the dryer. Later, Rob summoned me to the kitchen and confessed to shattering a component of our new Pottery Barn bud vase on the tile floor. Clearly, we are cursed, as that was one of the only nice things in our entire home.
ME: Oh, St. Pottery Barn, why have you forsaken me?
ST. POTTERY BARN: Because when St. Crate & Barrel called, you didn’t give me the message.
ME: Sure I did! I left it right here so you could see it!
ST. POTTERY BARN: Is that maraschino cherry juice?
ME: Could be.
ST. POTTERY BARN: Good luck getting the ink stains out of your shirts. Oooh, that one looks like a giraffe doing something naughty to itself.
Congratulations, art school students.
posted by
David at 11:39 PM
One of the only nice things in your house? Nonsense. For example, Rob is very nice.
posted by:
jwer on 05.16.2005 at 8:24 AM
My fave assistant-crack-whore-laundry-hag moment is washing a tub-o-laundry with a new tube of chapstick. looked good coming out of the wash, nothing to make you think that something was wrong. But once the heat in the dryer hit the beeswax I was doomed to taking an entire load to the dry cleaners to be rewashed and de-stained. Now that will put a pinch to your wallet. Yes, I meant to dry clean my underwear.
k
posted by:
knottyboy on 05.16.2005 at 10:52 AM
My last laundry room debacle involved very carefully washing a wool sweater on DELICATE in COLD WATER with MILD DETERGENT... and having it come out felted any damn way. Some weekends, it's just not safe to do laundry at all.
posted by:
Mush on 05.17.2005 at 6:08 PM
Art staining life. It gives us all perspective when those Fluster Cluck days happen. And, as said above, you have Rob. But you also have an excuse to go shopping.
posted by:
Garnet on 05.17.2005 at 11:14 PM
I say: hit Rob on the head with a chair. That'll learn him!
posted by:
Rev. Phil on 05.18.2005 at 3:29 PM
I hope your "cotton" shirt was saved. I don't mind when Karen leaves money in her pockets, but I do mind when she leaves tissues that I have to pick off of the clothes and the dryer barrel.
posted by:
Jen on 05.18.2005 at 3:39 PM
My last laundry disaster came courtesy of my Portugese housekeeper, who collected the pile of clothes on my bedroom floor and dutifully put them in the washer. Too bad that was my pile of things to go to the DRY CLEANERS!! Donna Karan suits don't like the permanent press cycle. Less so even than silk blouses and sweaters. That was an expensive load of laundry......
posted by:
Linda on 05.19.2005 at 10:29 AM
David, I have a medallion of St. West Elm I could send you. It has something to do with protection from sleigh beds.
Linda, do they not have dry-cleaning in Portugal? I am shocked!
Well, if we're sharing laundry horror stories, mine is this. When I went to Tibet a few years ago, the Chinese airline sent our luggage to Hong Kong & so we had to buy some Chinese clothing to wear until we got our luggage. When we got back to America, I threw all my laundry from the trip in together, including the bright red shirt I got there. Needless to say, everything turned pink...my sweatshirts, khakis, socks, underwear. Nightmarish.
posted by: GusGus on 05.19.2005 at 2:36 PM
My own Portugese housekeeper is a total fucking whore.
posted by:
Cara on 05.19.2005 at 5:16 PM
Jwer: You're right. I'm going to have Rob hold up the flowers.
Knottyboy: Don't you sell your underwear on the Internet?
Mush: This is why I usually have people for that. People named Rob.
Garnet: Boy, do we think alike. Haven't I seen you in the Banana Republic?
Rev. Phil: That certianly felt good to me, but he didn't seem to take as much from the experience.
Jen: Why do you set "cotton" off like that? Are you implying that my shirts are POLYESTER!?!?!? I've never heard of anything so monstrous.
Linda: It's nice that your Portugese housekeeper wanted to help. I hope you made her sell her blood to pay for the replacement clothes and then had her deported.
Licketysplit: Not a moment too late! There has been a sleigh bed lurking on the back deck on nights when the moon is full.
GusGus: What's the matter, can't you read Chinese for "Wash separately"?
Cara: Are you her total fucking pimp?
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