What is the opposite of a hammer?
What is the opposite of a screwdriver?*
I am going to try to keep things lighthearted and frothy today, since you wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yesterday, you probably pictured me in a torn shirt, hitchhiking along a deserted road while a piano plinks languidly in the background. Well, it’s not true. Yesterday, I went to a wedding reception and then saw a film in which an evil villain with perfectly sculpted eyebrows tried to . . . well, I don’t know what he was trying to do. But it was bad, and I could barely hear the piano.
Today, Rob and I are both taking rock-climbing classes. His on the beginning level and mine is slightly more advanced. Despite this evidence to the contrary, I am not a bon vivant. For the next two days, I need to take eighteen hours of a food preparation course offered by the Department of Health. They ordered me to bring two number-two pencils, so you know it’s going to be an excruciating nightmare culminating in ScanTron.
In other news, here is one last Goblin song (unless anyone wants to send more). It is by ME, and the tune is (loosely) “Lady Marmalade”:
Lady Goblin Foo
We met Goblin Foo down in old Baltimore
Pooping up stuff on the street
She said, “Hello, dodo
Where do you want to go?”
“I am a Boston terrier
I am the best girl in town
Take me for a walk to the park
I’m sweet old doggie Goblin Foo!
“Voulez-vous chase squirrels avec moi ce soir?
Voulez-vous chase squirrels avec moi?”
She sat in her bag while we rode the train
From Baltimore to NYC
She took a nap, waiting to get to Central Park
“I am a Boston terrier
I am the best girl in town
Take me for a walk to the park
I’m sweet old doggie Goblin Foo!
“Voulez-vous chase squirrels avec moi ce soir?
Voulez-vous chase squirrels avec moi?”
Petting her fur, feelin’ silky smooth
Color of pepper and salt
But the squirrels made the beast inside
Roar until it cried
“I can’t climb trees!”
Now she’s wand’rin’ around Central Park
With a crossbow in her paw
She doesn’t need to climb the trees
To cut the squirrels off at the knees
Grunt, snort, fart, yawn!
“I am a Boston terrier
I am the best girl in town
Take me for a walk to the park
I’m sweet old doggie Goblin Foo!
“Voulez-vous chase squirrels avec moi ce soir?
Voulez-vous chase squirrels avec moi?”
This is a gentle, peaceful, breezy song about terrier-induced squirrel genocide. Don’t try this at home, folks. Actually, do try it at home. And send the results to moi.
* Answer to today's pop quiz: As far as I can tell, the opposite of a hammer is a hammer, and the opposite of a screwdriver is a screwdriver. And the opposite of a saw is a rubber band.
