The Gallup people just called, acting as if they were god’s gift to the universe, as if I don’t have anything better to do than drop everything and expound on my opinions at length. Okay, they saw me coming. I love to expound on my opinions at length. I was salivating for a juicy poll, like what do I think of the antichrist who is our illegal president, or what do I think of the illegal and ill-advised war he has gotten us into, but they had all these questions about teenage drinking instead. As if anyone cares about that.
They could at least have asked me about SUVs. I have been thinking about SUVs lately, and about how they are about the stupidest thing going. Aside from the fuel economy issue, I love how all of these people buy them because they think they are safe vehicles but then don’t even know how to drive them safely. I saw about twelve SUVs today careening from lane to lane because the drivers couldn’t control them at any speed above forty miles per hour. Then there were another dozen going forty miles per hour in the sixty-five mile-per-hour zone.
I think people should really stay home more. Write that down, Gallup.
Another thing they could have polled me about is integrity. Basically, I’m in favor of it, but I may be the only one. Do what you say you’re going to do, and take responsibility if you don’t. Corollary: If you have a job, try to do it well. And if you’re a contractor trying to sell yourself as an expert at something, don’t you think it might be nice if you were actually good at it? (Start with the man in the mirror, Gallup. That poll was the crappiest thing to come down the pike in a long time.)
Other things I am strongly not in favor of: the religious right, smoking in public places, littering, dogs that are off leash on the sidewalk, people who try to make me feel bad, artificial sweeteners, Jar Jar Binks, robbers, and people from the future who have time machines just sitting around but won’t use them to help us out of the hideous mess we’re in.
My demographics. I am a twenty-three-year-old Pacific Islander with a Ph.D. and washboard abs.
