My fellow Hippopotami:

Can you see them dancing in the streets behind me, in this carefully staged photo op? See how they chant my name, paint my colors on their doughy faces, and toss tickertape at my Toyota Prius? It is because I have led them, and you, through war to sweet victory. A wild-eyed Mullah Brian has been discovered hiding in a spider hole, Faggoty-Ass Faggotistan has sunk to reporting on Tofurky, and our boys and girls in uniform—the Boston terriers, the squirrels, the nighttime squirrels, and of course, the chupacabrae—are coming home!

Blog war is over, and we won. Faggoty-Ass Faggotistan is now being run by a democratically elected giant gerbil, churning out blog entries as if it is twirling around in its wheel. The insurgents of Cleveland have been pacified by the go-go boys we parachuted in. And most importantly, judging by a scientific survey of the comments section, the popularity of this very web log had begun to plummet since the war began. I may be resolute, a plain-talking cowboy, but I'm not stupid.

It’s so easy to declare victory and pull out, and besides, war is sort of boring. Next year, Upside-down Hippopotami and Faggoty-Ass Faggots, in matching spandex outfits, will march arm-in-arm at the opening ceremony of the 2006 Winter Olympics in Turin; then they will march across the parking lot and back to the Olympic Village, where they will be discovered in flagrante delicto by roving reporter Anderson Cooper, who just dropped by to use the hot tub.

That’s where the real story is, so can we stop talking about how I lied us into blog war by having Goblin Foo Uvula manufacture Photoshopped evidence? PRETTY PLEASE?!?!