Creepshow

On Sunday, I surprised Rob with a road trip to Burkittsville, Maryland, site of the the jittery cinematic legend known as The Blair Witch Project. I had been there before, soon after the movie was released, and witnessed the small town as a hotbed of rustic capitalism, the front porch of every house festooned with authentic Blair Witch paraphernalia at cutthroat prices.

By this visit, Burkittsville had settled back into ominous quiet. A beautiful little village with one stop sign, there was nonetheless something eerie about it. “We should get out and walk around,” Rob remarked. But I didn’t want to, and shortly thereafter, he agreed. There was no commerce. There was nobody visible on the streets or in the houses. There was nothing at all welcoming about it; indeed, despite the bright and sunny afternoon, it couldn’t have been more forbidding, a Shirley Jackson story come to life.

Earlier that day, Rob and I had had another creepy moment. Our new next-door neighbors came by and mentioned that they are having part of the tree between our back yards cut off, as those branches are apparently a favorite vantage from which the neighborhood birds like to poop on their porch. The tree is actually in our yard and merely overhangs theirs. It is the largest tree on the block, and it shades our houses in the summer. When I wake up in the morning, I look at its branches silhouetted against the sky. Goblin’s squirrels scramble up and down and around the trunk at all hours. It’s not the most beautiful tree in the world, but it’s there, and it’s established, and it’s the focal point of our garden, and while I don’t dispute the neighbors’ right to cut whatever hangs over their yard, I found the discussion oddly disquieting.

“We’ve been talking to everyone about it, and they say it’s just a weed anyway,” they said. Of course, they haven’t been talking to everyone about it. Two notable people, Rob and I, were left out of that particular loop. “Everyone we talked to wanted to know why anyone would let a weed grow into a tree,” they went on, then offered to go halfsies with us on having the entire thing removed. I felt suddenly like Dorothy, faced with Almira Gulch’s picnic basket.

Okay, so it’s a weed. But it’s my weed, and Rob’s and Goblin’s and the squirrels’, and, yes, the birds’.

People are coming this week to saw off some of its branches, but the weed, um, I mean tree, will live on.

Comments

There's one of those in my neighbors' yard, too... I actually don't mind it as much as the much more attractive hardwood (Walnut? Can't remember) at the end of their yard, which periodically sends such thick roots into my sewer drain that bad things happen in my basement... while I am generally against tree removal, neither of those trees block the western sun, nor the many ugly streetlights visible out my back windows. Also, people keep relieving themselves against the base of the end tree. Grr.

It's a weed tree? One of those fast-growing monstrostities, yeah?

Well, as long as you love it, it's alright with me. You might consider planting a 'real' tree next to it, though, because most weed trees don't live that long and you'd miss the shade if it died.

Good for you. Weeds need love, too.

I like your weed, too. Half the damn trees in Baltimore are ailanthus or bell flower (both weeds). If we got rid of them all, there would hardly be green left. I think your weed-tree is the same kind as the tree that grows in Brooklyn in A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. Creep-ass neighbors. Wait for them to post something untoward on the bulletin board, and then we'll annihilate them.

There is no such thing as a weed. A weed is simply a plant we haven't found a use for yet.

The Shirley Jackson story analogy makes me glad you didn't get out of the car. I wouldn't want you and Rob to take a lovely stroll through the woods and vanish forever, leaving behind an abandoned Prudence and a little straitjacketed Goblin with a mad look in her eye.

Jwer: I suppose you might use one of them as an impromptu scaffold for your neighbor.

Mush: It is treason to imagine the death of my weed tree.

David: I am cursed by underdogs.

Cara: Finally, a voice of reason!

Alan: Are you on drugs?

Rindy: Or perhaps you would, as you are in our will as the recipient of the straitjacketed beast herself. I think Prudence would go back to the Toyota Corporation.

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