01.31.2006
Who's Your Friend when Things Get Rough
Lonely cabins in the woods are so last century. The next big horror blockbuster should be set at the New York International Gift Fair, where a killer stalks the endless aisles of novelty crap, wiping out any vestige of good taste. If Freddy Krueger had shown up at any point over the past few days and flashed his demonic manicure, I can’t say I would have been very fast on my feet. Exhausted, sick, distracted, and overwhelmed, I might have committed seppuku on his pointy fingernail if it weren’t for my buyer, Luana, keeping our spirits up and our progress organized.
I haven’t been to New York in a long time. The cab drivers still talk incessantly on their cell phones—to whom I don’t know, but they must have killer rate plans. The streets are as crowded as ever and still alternate between smelling of sewage and of garbage. They’re still building the Mormon Hideout behind our apartment on Eighty-eighth Street, the drills and hacksaws buzzing to life at an uncivilizedly [sic] early hour. Those blasted Mormons and their work ethic!
God only knows what Rob gets up to every week when he comes to stay. The Ikea bureau that collapsed last summer is still in a heap in the corner. He’s probably not having an affair because there is a DVD of “H.R. Pufnstuf” on the shelf, and I am the only person I know who would have an affair with someone who owns a DVD of “H.R. Pufnstuf.”
Oh, wait, here’s Mr. Krueger now. More later.
posted by
David at 10:50 PM
You have all my sympathy. The very words 'trade show' bring on an instant crushing migraine and extreme pain in my feet, calves and the 'smilin' muscles on my face.
At least as a purchaser you get to move around, think of those of us imprisoned on just one stand for the whole eternal-seeming proceedings!
Love
posted by: campbell on 02.01.2006 at 4:50 AM
I want to sleep with this Muppet.
The Gift Fair is very exhausting. I have been going to the Fair for about 20 years, most of the time in August. Instead of driving, we take a bus. It leaves you off at the Javits and picks you up there also. Coming home you can sleep or watch a video. That is not a bad way to travel.
Wait, wait, wait. You're having an affair with someone who owns a DVD of “H.R. Pufnstuf”?!
posted by:
Mush on 02.01.2006 at 11:20 AM
That is an exceptionally disturbing image.
posted by:
jwer on 02.01.2006 at 12:49 PM
That was disturbing on so many elemental levels. I will have bad dreams tonight.
posted by:
David on 02.01.2006 at 4:09 PM
There's something very sexy about googley-eyed puppets, there is.
posted by:
Jen on 02.02.2006 at 10:38 AM
There's something very sexy about googley-eyed puppets, there is.
posted by:
Jen on 02.02.2006 at 10:38 AM
OMG I love HR Puffnstuf! I'd have an affair with someone who owned that DVD, but then not to worry, I am neither male nore live in NYC.
posted by:
Coffeedog on 02.02.2006 at 5:32 PM
Campbell: I don't know if one has it any better than the other. The purchaser has to deal with a thousand salespeople with exactly the afflictions you describe. It's like walking in a red light district.
Faustus: I would not be at all surprised if this muppet also wants to sleep with you.
Double Dogged: Does this happen every day? It took us five full days to see everything we needed to see. A bus might have been nicer than trying to flag a taxi in the rain while a thousand other zombies are doing the same.
Mush: Actually, no.
Jwer: I can make it more disturbing. I have a photo of you.
David: You are a delicate flower.
Jen: There is. Ask Faustus.
Coffeedog: And yet, I feel threatened.
posted by:
David on 02.04.2006 at 10:21 AM
David: that's not very nice.
posted by:
jwer on 02.07.2006 at 1:01 PM
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