05.02.2006
Bad.
It’s time to pay the piper. The piper is dressed up as my new dentist, who sat me down to explain that all of the tests he gave me last week indicate that my entire jaw is twisted at an unnatural angle, which explains the blinding pain that has engulfed my head and neck for years. My options to prevent further deterioration are a minimally invasive but annoying and life-long palliative treatment or an intensive, years-long regimen of corrective actions followed by an annoying and life-long series of ritualistic maintenance. The first option will leave me with the pain but perhaps less of it; the second will ideally correct the underlying causes, leaving me pain-free, but there are obviously no guarantees.
The situation is further complicated by my disintegrating teeth, some of which have been ground into powder and some of which are corroding away to nothing for mysterious reasons. Eying my one hundred forty-pound form warily, the dentist explained that he usually sees this condition in bulimic girls; since the lengths I will go to avoid vomiting are legendary, there is obviously another explanation, but nothing as tantalizing. If my teeth are going to suffer anyway, I might as well have at least gotten some pleasure or benefit from the process. I could have been drinking Coke to beat the band or gotten down to a svelte one hundred twenty without benefit of the Fat Flush diet.
Regardless, whatever I do will necessarily be accompanied by the reconstruction of many teeth, as well as the removal of the mercury-laden filling that has been compromised by the tectonic forces in my mouth.
And, oh joy, there is a suspicious growth on the inside of my cheek that they want to biopsy.
Last but not least, I joined a new gym on Monday.
Honesty, my brain could not be implanted in a robot body fast enough for my taste.
At the very least, I want a cybernetic jaw, like that dog on “The Bionic Woman.”
posted by
David at 9:17 AM
Ouch...I guess you haven't found relief with your mouthguard. On the bright side, it's good to know, I guess (?), that you have a problem that was not caused by stress. I hope you feel better. You need your jaw in tip-top shape when they tape your episode of "Yo Mama" on MTV.
posted by:
Jen on 05.02.2006 at 3:26 PM
Well, shit. That's a load of interesting but not really satisfying news, innit. I TOTALLY WANT A ROBOTIC BODY, TOO! A really cute one.
posted by:
goblinbox on 05.02.2006 at 6:07 PM
Is your dentist at least cute?
Hmm. I'm about the same weight as you and have the same teeth issues.
Everything that you learn from this, you should document and send to me immediately, kthnx.
posted by:
Logan on 05.03.2006 at 11:06 AM
My own teeth are also ground to powder. My dentist treats the condition by telling me to knock that off. I am sorry to hear that you are in so much pain.
posted by:
Cara on 05.03.2006 at 11:47 AM
I think you need a whole set of gleaming DaVinci Porcelain Veneer choppers.
Just be sure you get them two sizes too big so you look freakish in all of the paparazzi photos.
posted by:
Brian on 05.04.2006 at 8:49 AM
Jen: No, I chewed through my mouthguard like a gerbil. I think the entire underlying problem was caused by stress. I would like to sue stress.
Goblinbox: I'll fight you for it.
Faustus: Well, he's not my type, shall we say. But my old dentist looked like George W. Bush, so anything is an improvement over that.
Logan: Maybe if we just switched bodies, you could learn it all yourself first-hand, and I would be running free. (We're switching back after the problem is solved, so you'd better start working out for me.)
Cara: I learned from a spiritual healer this is caused by resentment and unstated thoughts. Interesting this all started for me during the waning days of my first long-term relationship.
Brian: If I'm going that route, what's wrong with fangs?
posted by:
David on 05.06.2006 at 12:40 PM
after spending $200 on a dentist-made mouthguard and repeately pulling shards of it out of my mouth every morning, years ago I switched to buying the rubber sports mouthguards used by youth who play football and similar sports. I chew through them periodically, but luckily they cost about $2.59, and my top teeth and bottom teeth no longer have access to each other's enamel while I sleep in order to grind it down.
p.s. if you sue stress, I'm in. We can do a class-action suit.
posted by:
zenchick on 05.06.2006 at 1:36 PM
Zenchick: Actually, there's some reason why a football mouthguard is supposed to ultimately make the problem worse by misaligning your bite, but I can't remember precisely how this is supposed to happen.
posted by:
David on 05.07.2006 at 12:35 PM
David and Zenchick, I heard that same thing, from my hygienist. After years of my dentist bullying me into getting an MOR device, I caved in and bought one (actually, my insurance finally paid for it). It hasn't helped me very much, but I'm a little afraid of surgery. I figure it's time to turn to sleep meds and let the chips fall where they may.
posted by:
Jen on 05.22.2006 at 2:07 PM
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