05.26.2006
Gym Jungle
I’ve been going to the gym.
If ever six words had ominous connotations, those are they. The phrase “George W. Bush is the president” comes in a distant second on the horror scale.
So, yes, I’ve been going to the gym. Three times a week (in theory), I don my exercise costume and try not to wince too badly at the idea that I’m rolling around in other people’s dried sweat. I am someone who won’t touch a bathroom doorknob without using a paper towel, so this monumental act of will makes the actual lifting of weights seem like a walk in the park.
In the New York Sports Club, the men’s locker room was a place where you had sex in the sauna, showered, dressed, and left. In and out. Here in my new gym, there is an uncomfortable amount of lollygagging. There seems to be a requirement that older, hairy, fat men may not enter or leave without sitting around naked reading the newspaper for at least thirty minutes. Furthermore, a large television has been tuned to “The Tony Danza Show” every time I’ve ventured in, and the same African-American man has been sitting there watching it, spellbound.
I don’t understand these activities. I don’t understand anything at the gym, actually. It’s like entering a foreign land where I know the vocabulary but not the grammar. This past week, a guy I used to know came over and said I have nice biceps. When I looked at him incredulously, he said, “Yeah, they’re little, but they’re nice.” I think he meant it, but my biceps are not nice. If I’m actually lifting something, a close observer might discern that I actually do have in my arms the muscle known as a bicep, or at least, there is something with the consistency of al dente pasta occupying the space where a bicep ought to be. But it was a pleasant moment.
Unlike George W. Bush, the gym isn’t all torture.
posted by
David at 12:09 PM
I have never "gotten" the ritual of the gym, although I've always envied those who do, for their air of belonging to a sort of priesthood of physicality. And the guy coming up to admire your bicep, a gift from God (you know, the God of Gym).
posted by:
Daniel on 05.26.2006 at 7:12 PM
Next time you are in New York you should come to my Acceleration of Personal Entropy class at NYSC.
One day soon, I'll see a man about a grou rate, and then I'll go to the gym, too. Maybe I'll watch the Tony Danza show.
posted by:
Cara on 05.27.2006 at 5:49 PM
In my city, the gym I go to is disparagingly referred to as the "gay" gym. I have no idea why this is, because so far I have seen no disco ball, no drag queens, and no one calling other men "girl." However, I have seen no shortage of old, slow-moving, wrinkly men of all ethnic backgrounds and a number of women whose hair is so fried that the only thing exceeding its crispiness is their overly tanned skin.
Hmm, maybe *those* are the drag queens....
posted by:
Jeffrey on 05.29.2006 at 10:35 AM
And...at least the gym is great for some good material, no? Always good material there, albeit disturbing...
Biceps don't have to be huge to be nice. Never look a gift horse in the mouth.
posted by:
David on 05.30.2006 at 11:52 AM
Mmm. Al dente pasta.
posted by:
goblinbox on 05.31.2006 at 3:39 PM
My roomate goes to the gym. I don't get it.
However, since she's getting fired next week and it's been so motherfucking hot, she's spent the past few days lounging aroudn in her underwear. I just noticed today that she has six-pack abs, something I never believed existed outside of magazines.
I think I kinda hate her a little now.
posted by: leah on 06.01.2006 at 2:00 PM
Daniel: I've never been part of a priesthood of physicality before, although a priest did hit on me once. God works in mysterious ways.
Faustus: I have enough problems.
Cara: I found out that the man who watches "The Tony Danza Show" is a shoe shiner. Alas, I have never seen anyone not wear sneakers to the gym. Perhaps you could be come a sneaker shiner.
Jeffrey: The "gay" gym is always the one with the most private steam room.
Kevin: Yes, actually. But I don't want to turn this into the gym blog, which will most likely happen anyway as I recount my litany of pains and injuries from going to the gym.
David: Or in the bicep.
Goblinbox: I am tasty.
Leah: Everyone has abs. Just think of yours as well insulated from the world.
posted by:
David on 06.03.2006 at 11:18 AM
<-- Back to Main Page
