Today I have to go to the podiatrist. Really, I should be preparing right now, as they sent a lengthy questionnaire and numerous forms that require the patience of a madman to slog through.
Years ago when I worked at Waldenbooks, a woman used to come in every week with a stack of tattered books that she would claim she had just received as gifts and wanted to return for cash. On the occasion that we found one that was in print (and this was in the days of microfiche, so it would be after an extended search), we would be forced to issue her some sort of credit; we’d give her a form to fill out, which she would glance at imperiously before jotting quick, wavy lines in all of the blank spaces. I don’t know if anyone would notice if I did the same thing with these forms, as that’s what my handwriting looks like anyway.
I’m going to the podiatrist because my foot has hurt for about six months. It’s my right foot. Before that, my left foot hurt for about six months and then suddenly stopped without podiatric intervention.
I am convinced there is a shadowy conspiracy against me that meets in the dark of night to devise wicked schemes. My feet must take turns joining them, and I wouldn’t be surprised if my entire lower jaw was in on it, too. The sooner I can transfer my brain into the body of an android, the better off we’ll all be.
Update: I returned from my appointment wearing an elaborate taped contraption under my sock. The indolent nurse spent ten minutes layering it on, providing some vague instructions for its wear and care and allowing as to how some patients were “babies” who didn’t like the feel of it. Well slap my ass and call me a baby because, with the extreme tightness and the corners of the tape folded inward, it feels like my foot is in a bear trap. I was mostly able to stay off of it yesterday, but I have to wear it for the next five.
The official diagnosis: once again, I’m a medical mystery. Stress fractures and tendonitis (which I’ve had before) are not the prime suspects for this constant pain. That android body is looking better and better.
