Yesterday I held a press conference. I had never held a press conference before, nor had I ever even spoken to a microphone. For my twenty-four years on earth, I have been so convinced that I hate public speaking that I never bothered to actually do it. So I did it, and it turns out that I don’t really like it very much, but I also was not terrible at it. I suspect the twenty ounce thermal coffee mug that was filled with something besides coffee had a little something to do with increasing my confidence.

The press conference was called to answer allegations from the Daffodil League that I am a flowerist. As I remarked at the microphone, these allegations happen to be true. I believe in my heart of hearts that the daffodil is an inferior species, a homely weed even. Then the Daffodil League called a press conference saying that they don’t believe I have a heart at all, much less a heart of hearts. Then I called another press conference suggesting that all fields full of daffodils be turned into nuclear waste dumps. Then the Daffodil League called another press conference saying, fine, the radiation is all they need to finish mutating into giant, malevolent (and homely) vines that lasso the moon and pull it crashing down onto Medicine Hat, Alberta. Then Medicine Hat, Alberta called a press conference to announce that it is known not only as “The Gas City,” but also “Canada’s Sunniest City," and that the sudden appearance of the moon in its midst would be inappropriate.

The press itself, meanwhile, was focused on some other nonsense.