It is the day after May 1, 2007. It is the day after I had both an acupuncture appointment and a rolfing appointment, and I spent almost two hours at the gym. It is the day after a day of well-being. Today, I am sliding back to my insalubrious ways. J/K, I am an ever-vigilant warrior of health. Here is why: I have heart issues. I have chronic pain issues. I have chronic anxiety issues. I have dental issues. I have heavy metal poisoning issues. This is an awful lot of issues for a lad of twenty-three to cope with on his own, so of course I need a support staff of acupuncturists, rolfers, therapists, zero balancers, energy kinesiologists, and other exotic species. I don’t know if these are actually helping or if it’s just that the scheduling is keeping me so confused that I don’t have time to focus on my problems, but I’ve been feeling largely good lately.

But then something comes along and makes me wonder why I ever get out of bed. According to the Disaster Porn Channel, there is something in the world called a Super Volcano. This is a powerful but secret kind of volcano that can erupt and destroy life as we know it. Apparently, one went off around 74,000 years ago that left only about 10,000 human survivors in the world. There is a Super Volcano under Jellystone Park that is the size of the whole park and explodes every 600,000 years. The last time it erupted was 600,000 years ago. When it erupts again, probably on my birthday, it will cover the entire United States with two feet of ash and block out the sun for decades.

Why does everything always happen to me?