My pretend gym boyfriend is having an operation tomorrow. Today, he gave me a sob story about how he has to recuperate at his parents’ house because no one else loves him. I don’t love him, either, although he looks pretty decent in spandex.

Also, do you remember that Bugs Bunny episode where Bugs Bunny is pitted against some sort of creature who keeps trying to serve tea, and the joke is “How many lumps do you want?” And in the end, this creature, who has been hit on the head a million times resulting in a million lumps, says he would not like any tea because it gives him a headache, and Bugs Bunny says, OK, what would you like, and the creature whips out a pot and bellows, “CAWFEE.” Well, that’s how I feel, except it’s the cawfee that did me in. I’m just now getting back to normal after going cold turkey. It is cosmically unjust that I own a cawfé.

It’s going to be a long millennium, folks.