I just wrote “November 10, 2000” somewhere by mistake, and it instantly brought me back to those heady times when the Shrödinger’s Cattiness of Bush vs. Gore still could have turned out in a way approaching sanity. Instead, Al Gore wore one too many cardigans and here we are on the verge of utter collapse. A cheerful thought for a lovely fall afternoon.

How are you? Today, I am experimenting with greed. Did you know there is a popular web site that allows one to create something known as a “wish list” and fill it with things he either lusts after but can’t afford or is mildly interested in but not enough to buy it for himself? I suppose I was peripherally aware of this, but as I was shopping online for my father’s birthday present, I clicked through on a lark, began obsessively adding things, and now the whole world knows what to buy me. Of course, I discourage this because I thoroughly disapprove of gift registries of any sort. This is the sort of paradox that makes me so lovably complex and has resulted in several mental health prescriptions over the years.

Also: more chupacabra business. Yes, I know it’s Saturday, but I feel I need to clear the air because people keep sending me news articles about coyotes masquerading as our favorite cryptozoological beast. I’ll bet the real chupacabra reads these things and laughs and laughs; much like Dick Cheney, it is in his interest to pull the wool over the eyes of a lazy and ignorant population. And much like the Santa Clauses in every mall have no connection to the North Pole, coyotes may occasionally do the work of the chupacabra, but they are not the chupacabra.

Yes, I realize I just compared the chupacabra to both the embodiment of pure evil and the embodiment of pure good in the same paragraph, but like myself, the chupacabra is lovably complex. That’s what makes him the chupacabra.