Oh Christ, did I miss another Friday? Good lord, the chupacabra is going to drum me out of the league if I don’t get on the ball.
All right, here you go, only one day late.
Happy now? Of course you aren’t, it’s the festive holiday season; nobody is happy. If I don’t sell enough felt Holiday Tree ornaments in the shape of gingerbread persons this year, I’m going to die. Also available: bed mite-killing spray. Go ahead, make my day, bed mites. But if the bed mites were the only customers for the felt Holiday Tree ornaments, there would be trouble.
Something did make me happy this week, and for once it didn’t come out of a bottle: Atlantic bottlenose dolphins! Four of my coworkers and I went to the Aquarium and got to shake hands (fins?) with some of the most beautiful creatures. We wore knee-high rubber boots, waded into the water, and Interacted in various ways. I held out a hoop and a dolphin jumped through it several times. Also, the trainer went to great lengths to point out their genitalia (the dolphins’, not the trainers’), and I got to hear someone say anus a few times, which is not a word you hear every day. We did not Interact with the genitals or anus of the dolphin. We mostly threw toys for them to fetch and rubbed their sides with our hands. According to common lore, dolphins feel like wet hot dogs or unpeeled hard-boiled eggs.
At one point, one of the trainers showed us the stick they use to train the dolphins to do stuff. The don’t smack them with it, which was my first thought, but they touch them on the snout. Then they gave my coworkers the stick and got us to try to train each other to do things without words. The new guy went first, and I whispered to Frenzy Lohan, “I want to train him to do my taxes.”
“I want to train him to thwart my enemies,” she replied. Frenzy Lohan always says the best things. I should have let her tell you about this herself because she writes better than I do, but the bed mites insisted I go first. I have to do what they say or else they won’t do all of their holiday shopping at this fine establishment.
