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Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

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An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

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The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

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Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

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To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

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The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

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The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

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Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

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Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

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My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

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I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

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If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

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Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

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Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

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One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

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Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

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It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

If thereÂ’s one thing I know itÂ’s God does love a good joke.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

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All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

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I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

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The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

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The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

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If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

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Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

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Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

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He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

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Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

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