I’m not mad at you, I’m mad at the dirt. That’s why I have to leave this godforsaken country, never to return until this coming Wednesday. As we speak, I am downloading The Devil Wears Prada and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon to make the plane ride go smoother. This will be the smoothest plane ride on earth thanks to The Devil Wears Prada and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon and approximately fifty-five Klonopins. Ike who?

So, like, if I survive this misadventure, I might just force you to read a travel journal of my own devising. If I don’t, I’m going to lead an army of evil dead into your home and steal all the silver.

Wait, can evil dead abide silver? This is the sort of thing I should be looking up instead of the exchange rate for colones. Somebody get John McCain on the line.